I am fickle. Always have been. I decide that I want to be an actress.. then ten seconds later I am changing my major to Nursing. What the? I know... It is how I roll.
Anyway, it should be no big surprise that I have wavered in my decision to stay home and be a full time Housewife/mother. One minute I am laughing with JJ in the Kids corner of Barnes and Noble playing with the Thomas the Train setup they have thinking life couldn't get better. And the next minute I am entertaining the voicemail message from my old boss suggesting a full time position that just opened up with my old team. When I sit back with some perspective, there is clearly no choice for myself, and my family.. but sometimes the glimmer of a potential return to the "old me" seems persuasive if not downright delightful. Fourteen and a half months ago I was different. It is hard to put into words unless this change has occurred in your life... You see when I became a mother, my eyes were opened and there was a complete paradigm shift. I know I am writing about this as if I invented it... or even as if I have never blogged this topic before. Nevertheless, somehow I truly was reborn when I gave birth. I became so much less self-important (although I still feel guilty about the emphasis on ME I have in my life), I obvisously started talking in cliches, and the love that burned within me was different and new too. It is unconditional and eternal. I recently read this post on a blog, and I sobbed through the whole thing. I really relate to what she says. My heart broke for Eric Clapton's story as I must have imagined a similar situation happen to me. I loved the quote:
"Making the decision to have a child-- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking aroundoutside your body." --Elizabeth Stone
I, too agree with GcQ that the imagry leaves something to be desired, but the idea is right. I fear that I am a sappy, sappy mom now whose heart, or at least a part of it, is seperated from her body. JJ merrily runs along and each day needs me less and less. This fact is exciting, encouraging, wonderful, and scary. For this purpose I am unchanging in my wanting to be with him for as long as I can be. I want to take him to the park, and teach him that rocks are not candy. So, for now, I am home and I am grateful for that. Fickle as I may be... I seriously am one love sick mama.