Wednesday, October 24, 2007

On Goin Back to Work

I am fickle. Always have been. I decide that I want to be an actress.. then ten seconds later I am changing my major to Nursing. What the? I know... It is how I roll.
Anyway, it should be no big surprise that I have wavered in my decision to stay home and be a full time Housewife/mother. One minute I am laughing with JJ in the Kids corner of Barnes and Noble playing with the Thomas the Train setup they have thinking life couldn't get better. And the next minute I am entertaining the voicemail message from my old boss suggesting a full time position that just opened up with my old team. When I sit back with some perspective, there is clearly no choice for myself, and my family.. but sometimes the glimmer of a potential return to the "old me" seems persuasive if not downright delightful. Fourteen and a half months ago I was different. It is hard to put into words unless this change has occurred in your life... You see when I became a mother, my eyes were opened and there was a complete paradigm shift. I know I am writing about this as if I invented it... or even as if I have never blogged this topic before. Nevertheless, somehow I truly was reborn when I gave birth. I became so much less self-important (although I still feel guilty about the emphasis on ME I have in my life), I obvisously started talking in cliches, and the love that burned within me was different and new too. It is unconditional and eternal. I recently read this post on a blog, and I sobbed through the whole thing. I really relate to what she says. My heart broke for Eric Clapton's story as I must have imagined a similar situation happen to me. I loved the quote:

"Making the decision to have a child-- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking aroundoutside your body." --Elizabeth Stone

I, too agree with GcQ that the imagry leaves something to be desired, but the idea is right. I fear that I am a sappy, sappy mom now whose heart, or at least a part of it, is seperated from her body. JJ merrily runs along and each day needs me less and less. This fact is exciting, encouraging, wonderful, and scary. For this purpose I am unchanging in my wanting to be with him for as long as I can be. I want to take him to the park, and teach him that rocks are not candy. So, for now, I am home and I am grateful for that. Fickle as I may be... I seriously am one love sick mama.

7 comments:

pinkmorning said...

was that your old boss at wells? it is crazy. dave and i have talked about that decision so much, we are not at the point where we have to decide anything yet and of course i want to be home with our kids, but what about those days when i want to be with adults? when i want to feel the validation of success at work. i am glad that JJ has a mom that is so devoted to him, he is one lucky little man.

Rachel said...

It is not a light decision either way. It shows what a good mom you are for dwelling on it and looking at everything. You are not fickle (about this) you are a mom who wants to make the right choice---whatever that may be.

the daily knack said...

It would suck to not see jj... and to lose free time!

LindsSawyer said...

RACHEL,

LindsSawyer said...

Rachel,
I know that we have discussed this at length but it is nice to hear your perspective. It seems I am you 14 months ago and I am in a place, which has left me still wanting. Obviously this is a deeply personal decision and there is no right or wrong answer however there is tremendous fulfillment in working outside the home you definitely thrive in a competitive business environment but I think you are thriving at home too. Good luck with this decision.

Gustogirl said...

There is monotony in almost any "job" we take on it life. They are moments of pure enjoyment, fulfillment and success. However, there are also those moments that we look out the window and think, wow, what else could I be doing if I wasn't stuck here where I am? I think that goes for most everybody. Moms that work outside the home, moms that stay home, even women who are not moms at all. I think you know what I think. Our babies are only little once and really it is such a short time. Although, there are moments that it seems like drudgery to be home, I think it is the best place any mom could be if you are able to.

Angie said...

I enjoyed reading your thoughts and everyone's two cents. It is definitely something I think about a lot. Everybody's experience with motherhood is very different and so everyone has to make their own choice. In my opinion, there is no right or wrong answer and the answer may always be evolving. I do better with right and wrong choices, so this is a hard one for me.